I have worked in banking for almost 5 years. It has amazed me how many people do not keep track of what they deposit vs. what they spend. There seems to be no concept of spending less then you make. An 89 year old gentleman sat down at my desk one day. He realized that his funds were rapidly depleting. He asked me what to do."Well more money is going out of your account then going in", I commented. "You are going to have to do one of two things, bring in more or spend less". Almost offended he replied, "I'm not going to change my spending habits. You can't make me."
While this is both comical and sad (mostly the later), this is what I have been doing in my personal life. I have been making constant withdrawals from my emotional, spiritual and physical health with little to no deposits. This leaves me one place... in the negative. Some things happened recently that made me reevaluate my career path. While doing this and seeking God's face, he showed me something.... I have nothing left to give. I was exhausted and depleted. In seeking to move up the corporate ladder, I had taken constant withdrawals for 5 years. I found myself trying to overcompensate with my children because I felt so guilty that I had nothing for them. Vacations were spent exhausting myself so I could show them that I do still love them. Physically I had gained 30 pounds and couldn't get it off. I would try to kill myself working out at 9 o'clock at night (the only time I had left available) with an extreme workout program because I hated myself so much. I might be able to do this for a month at a time until I finally crashed. When this happened, I would have to sleep constantly for another month to 6 weeks. My body wasn't shedding any weight and I had constant infections.. even unusual ones such as staph and shingles. Spiritually, I was trying to lead children at church when I had little time with God myself. I realized it was time for a change. In one of my favorite new books, 48 Days to the Work You Love, Dan Miller states that the definition of insanity is always doing the same thing and yet, somehow, expecting different results. That is what I have been doing. It was always going to get better when......
In the beginning of December I took a step in the direction that I felt the Holy Spirit was leading. I submitted my resignation. As of January 1, 2011 I will be preforming the full time job that God has called me to, being a mom. I have peace that I have not felt in an exceptionally long period of time. Although this step seems crazy and radical to many, it is not the many that I am here to please, take care of and minister to. Starting January 1, I will be making deposits again, and I couldn't be more excited.
www.48days.com
There is an old hymn that God has laid on my heart recently.
The Lord's our Rock, in Him we hide
A Shelter in the time of storm
Secure whatever ill betide
A shelter in the time of storm
God has convicted me about making my own home a shelter in the time of storm. When my family comes home do they feel peace and security, or stress and exhaustion? I know how I often feel and it is not the former.
A shade by day, defense by night
A Shelter in the time of storm
No fears alarm, no foes afright
A Shelter in the time of storm
Does my family feel worried when at home? The bible says "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear has torment..." 1 John 4:18.
The raging storms may round us beat
A Shelter in the time of storm
We'll never leave our safe retreat
A Shelter in the time of storm
I know that I can't keep my family completely sheltered from the world, nor would I want to. But I can prepare them. Am I spending my evenings teaching my children what is right and wrong? Or do I sometimes let the disney channel do that? I don't believe tv in and of its self is evil, but I do believe that it is not the television's job to raise my children. That can happen before I even realize what is going on.
Oh Rock divine, oh Refuge dear
A Shelter in the time of storm
Be Thou our Helper ever near
A Shelter in the time of storm
Lastly, do my children know why we worship the Almighty? Yes we all say "God is great" but have I really taught them about His awesome love and compassion?
I want my home to be in order. I want my family to know God's precepts. I want my home to be
A Shelter in the time of storm
I have been self conscious for some time... a worrier, why wasn't I this or that? What do people think of me compared to... whoever? Today I allowed those feelings to all come out. As I was thinking, crying, mad on the way home I started talking to God. What was the matter with me? Why did I allow what I thought other people thought of me to control me?
God reminded me of a time when I wasn't so self conscious. I wasn't always worried about what everyone else said or thought about me.. or even what I thought they thought. I asked Him what was different. If anything I should be more confident in this stage in my life. I know who I am, who my friends are. I love my family and my career. But there is one big difference.... the time I spend, or don't spend, with Him.
It was not self confidence I needed. What I need is to re center my life around Christ. For when my life is centered around Christ, there is a peace. Peace that no one, no thing can take away. Peace that I long to get back to.
Galatians 2:20
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer life, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
